listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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