Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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