Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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