i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
