I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
