I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
