After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
