Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
