I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
