Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
