can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
