Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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