Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize