i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
