I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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