It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
