Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
