i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
