I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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