Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
