I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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