it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
