Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
