I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
