If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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