On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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