Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
