Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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