Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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