I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize