All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
