dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
