First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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