I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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