it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
