Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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