Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
