My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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