I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Randomize
