Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
