it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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