Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
