I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
