I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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