hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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