you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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