I wish my penis had an off switch
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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