Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
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