i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
