Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
