Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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