I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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