"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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