you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
