I need to stop coming to work sober
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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