THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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