She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
