Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
