Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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